- (no subject)
- September 15th, 2003
okay, actual update..
today i wake up from shitty dreams.. a lil to eric getting up, wanted to get up to stop the dreams.. but it didnt happen, fell back asleep an was hopeing to not get snuggled cos of my dream, erics snuggles are the oly ones that really comfort me.. prolly cos hes whose been there for me fotr the past 3 years.. but ya, supose the shitty dreams didnt help much with that.. got up sighed that richard wont be on considered calling him.. didnt cos i was a dork an was thinking too much an was being self concous.. as if wed not know what to talk about, we dont run out of things to talk about on the puter why would the phone be that much different with him (turns out nothing to worry about).. but ya i didnt think that at the time.
went in palace an helped clear up some things with caroline.. made her feel better talked to her in general a bit
i made some ytummy food after we desided that wed go play in the creek by the graveyard .. made the food an was convinced to call richard finaly, tried an aparently my dialing finger is stupid cos i got a wrong number.. tried a few more times an got busey signal.. so we desided to go and play in the creek.. me an eric played in the creek creating a waterfall (eesh arnt we such kids sometimes?) it was fun, kev bearly put his toes in the water, just watched us..
we came home an i finaly got through to richard after a couple tries.. we talked for like 2.5 hours? =x it was uber though.. and no dead air or anything.. at the end after i gave him our address an we were about to get off the phone eric came storming down upset.. i asked whats wrong an he just pointed to the celing.. pissed enough he was gritting his teeth.. my only responce was ya, i figured it was him....aparently kev was cybering with somt guy hes been claiming is nothing.. ya, right.. -with eric in the fucking room- i mean.. hello.. your suposed to not do that shit.. i mean really.. .. -rant on about the guy he was cybering- aparently he just met this guy a few weeks ago.. "oh we were together in this story this person wrote" ya whatever so what? arnt they just special.. i wouldve been like thats nice, go away i have 2 bfs... but kev is a nice guy an talked to this guy.. that shortly after was like i love you ... all cos of this story? or something.. hell my facts are prolly all fucked over .. but it dosnt change much about anything at all.. ive glimpsed kev being overly snuggly with people on the puter this past week or so... i try not to look over but ya.. anything with *'s in it.. and blushes.. generaly isnt behaveing too well, that trying to be cute *blushes* bs dosnt work to get you out of trouble either. .. okay.. i wouldnt care if he was just snuggly with people, flirty even.. but its comming off as flat out slutty, claiming its roleplaying or not.. yes, im pissed.. i dont feel much emotion from him at all, its makeing everything feel like its not worth even trying at all.. oh you got squirted with water.. *blank look* .. something .. would be a good reaction, anything at all.. just .. no responce is annoying.. hell laughing at me for getting so pissed off over water wouldve been okay.. at least itd be a reaction, im sure i looked stupid standing in the road dripping water off my hair.. *vent* hes a smart kid, he can think for himself there somewhere im sure.. and when he does think, an you can see hes thinking you ask him what hes thinking about an hes like "nothing" when you know he is.. i dunno if hes not wanting to upset me/eric, or ashamed of what hes thinking or feeling .. but hes thinking/feeling it anyway theres no changeing it.. itd be nice to be let in that shell there.. ya so.. now im feeling like an asshole for being so distant with him.. but well... after all this im not going to try not to be distant.. i see no reason to try to be close with him.. -/bitchrantgripevent off-
posting this rant against my general .. "shouldnt air dirty laundry" policy.. but ugh. neeeded to vent .. it is/was driveing me nuts.
*back to ff9* im tired of emotional rollercoasters..